Shilo

So impressed with all you do
Tried so hard to be like you
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Lost my faith in everything

Lick around divine debris
Taste the wealth of hate in me
Shedding skin succumb defeat
This machine is obsolete

Made the choice to go away
Drink the fountain of decay
Tear a hole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead

Broken, bruised, forgotten, sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore

In the back off the side far away
Is a place where I hide where I stay

Tried to say, tried to ask
I needed to, all alone,
by myself where were you?

How could I, ever think
It’s funny how everything we swore it wouldn’t change,
is different now,
just like you.

Would always say,
we’ll make it through.
Then my head fell apart
And where were you?

How could I, ever think,
It’s funny how everything you swore would never change is different now,
like you said you and me make it through.
Didn’t quite, fell apart.
Now I'm fucked and where the fuck where you?

It's rough to be happy right now, so much shit coming down on my back that I can't make heads or tails of anything right now.  Just when you think you knew it all, you get hit with the fact that you know nothing.

All the insides left cold and gray
There is a place that still remains

My new district manager seems to suddenly take a severe dislike to me.  I do what I'm told to the best of my ability I motivate my staff and push them to go further than they ever have, but it's never enough.

This is how
It begins
Push it away but it all comes back again
All the flesh
All the sin
There was a time when it used to mean just about everything

Seems like a thousand wolves clawing at my skin ripping inside of me trying to get through to me.  I can no longer trust anyone at work, they seem to be two faced and forget the work I've done for the last year and a half.  The 18 hour days when they couldn't make it in, covering their shifts when no one else could or would.

I don't trust the new assistant manager, I turned her down and now all the sudden all of this crap seems to come down on me.  Could it be coincidence that she is good friends with the new regional manager?  Could be may be but it might not be.

I have arrived and this time you should believe the hype
I listened to everyone now I know that everyone was right
I’ll be there for you as long as it works for me
I play a game
It’s called insincerity

I'm tired of being alone, and the one friend that I trust I pissed off today.  Didn't mean to just really stupid sometimes, should of been better in school and then I wouldn't be so dumb about things at times.  It's hard to try to convey everything that is feeling wrong in words, sometimes it would be better to just cry and get it over with.

A fool’s devotion
Swallowed up in empty space
The tears of regret
Frozen to the side of his face

The smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes

I’ve done all I can do
Could I please come with you?
Sweet smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes

So tired of it all that sometimes it's hard to remember the focus to continue on.  Then I just close my eyes and fade away into the oblivion of nothingness that surrounds the edges of eternity.  Something like that...

2003 Clovely Estate Queensland Merlot
Queensland Australia
Wood Cork
13.2% Alc. By Vol.
$7.50

Cool graphics on the bottle... Not a bad tasting wine, but it didn't really jump out as a new favorite or anything.

2003 Aconcagua Valley Horny Merlot Reserve
Chile
Foam Cork
13.5% Alc. By Vol.
$9.99

Had to buy this cuz of the name 'Horny Merlot Reserve'. Not a really good tasting wine to be honest, not so bad that it can't be consumed.

Wow weird day. Got an email from my father, first contact in years. Found out that my grandfather passed away just so much stuff so quick. Let out one of the few emotional responses that I allow and shed a few tears. That doesn't happen often and it's hard to admit but I did do that. Well it's been a LONG couple of days and I'm tired and there is some crack dealer outside yelling. Think I'll buy a couple of clay pots that you put plants in to throw at people from this third floor apartment when they annoy me. That would be interesting. Finally found the Lucia CD today, HIGHLY recommend it the lady has an incredible voice. Well I've had a lot of wine which I'll log in a day or two, good stuff, I'm off to bed.

Dévisager à la mer
Staring at the sea
Viendra-t-elle?
Will she come?
Est là-bas l'espoir pour moi
Is there hope for me
Tous comptes faits
After all is said and done
N'importe quoi à n'importe quel prix
Anything at any price
Ceci tous pour vous
All of this for you
Tout le gâte d'une vie inutile
All the spoils of a wasted life
Ceci tous pour vous
All of this for you
Tout le monde a fermé ses yeux
All the world has closed her eyes
La foi fatiguée tout porté et mince
Tired faith all worn and thin
Pour tout nous aurions pu faire
For all we could have done
Et tout qu'aurait pu être
And all that could have been

L'océan tire me ferme
Ocean pulls me close
Et chuchote dans mon oreille
And whispers in my ear
La destinée que j'ai choisie
The destiny I’ve chose
Tout éclaircir
All becoming clear
Les courants ont leur dit
The currents have their say
Le temps dessine près de
The time is drawing near
Me lave loin
Washes me away
Les marques me disparais
Makes me disappear


Je descends de la grâce
I descend from grace
Dans les bras de underflow
In arms of underflow
Je prendrai mon endroit
I will take my place
Dans le grand au dessous
In the great below

Je peux toujours vous sent
I can still feel you
Même si au loin
Even so far away

I was told I should add prices to my description of the wines that I have tasted.

Georges Dubceuf $14.99

Solaris $8.99

Francis Coppola $24.99

Hawk Crest $14.99

Anyone know what the non-wood cork is made out of?

1.) 2002 Hawk Crest Merlot
Stag's Leap Wine Cellars
Wood Cork
California
13.8% Alc. By Vol.

'Holy Mother of Dryness' This has to be one of the driest wines I've had in years. Nice wine though very smooth and tasty but so dry that you think you're drinking something that is more related to sand than liquid.

Son of a bitch! I want to go back on vacation RIGHT NOW!!! I went in to work on my last day of vacation just to catch up on stuff and find out what has been going on while I was out. About an hour later my District Manager walks in and tells me she wants to talk to me. I'm like fine whatever. After about an hour I felt like I had just gone through the worlds roughest interrogation and interview. I told her look I have to go it's my last day of vacation and I would really like to go do stuff. She said no problem she was just going to wait for the Regional Manager to show up. And just as she says that he pulls in to the parking lot, I figured I'd be polite and wait for him to come in.

He immediately starts giving me grief for going on vacation, after he and I had sat down and agreed that I could take this vacation back in January. After about another 45 minutes, they tell me that I should go away and that they'll talk to me later. So I go across the street to talk to a friend of mine at the gas station, not even ten minutes later I see my boss walking out the front door with all of his personal effects in hand. Two minutes later my cell phone rings and it is the new District Manager telling me to come back to the restaurant.

Turns out SURPRISE they fired my boss, and that they were mad at me because they had to wait for me to come back from vacation to do it. While I was gone we had a corporate inspection that we failed miserably and that is a good portion of why he was terminated. Also turns out that due to this being the worst failure we've ever had (and the first that I know of) and the fact that my boss had done some shady stuff with previous reports that we have 30 days to get the place back in shape. So we have a re-inspection at the beginning of next month that we MUST pass or the corporation is going to yank the franchise away from the franchisee and shut down the restaurant.

NO PRESSURE!!!

Okay so I take my vacation. YEAH!!! Did it the right way so far, I did absolutely NOTHING!!! Went to the beach once, to the casino once, painted my room and drank 3 bottles of wine. So I am VERY relaxed, and I decided to discuss the bottles for future reference.

1.) 2001 Solaris Special Release Merlot
Napa Valley
Wood Cork (I think the cork is important)
13.6% Alc. by Vol.

'Very smooth, after the first sip you don't even feel like you are tasting merlot or a wine for that matter. No bitter after taste no sugary shiver to it, just very smooth and well blended.'

2.) 2002 Georges Dubceuf Merlot Reserve
France
Rubber Foam Cork
13% Alc. By Vol.

'Not bad at all, the Solaris was a bit smoother but this was definitely tastier. You could definitely taste the black cherry in it though. Had a very dark appearance to it.'

3.) 2002 Francis Coppola Diamond Series Blue Label Merlot (Long Enough Name?!?!?!?)
California
Wood Cork
13.5% Alc. By Vol.

'Francis Ford Coppola makes movies and now makes wine. Not the best of the three, but it was the most expensive. Definitive vanilla taste to it which I'm not a huge fan of, but it has a berry after taste so it balances out.'

Well that is the news for today. Oh and on a personal note I miss Jenny and she's only been gone 2 days. And Peter Jennings died.

Spent the day at this park in East Granby Mass. Did some free fall rock climbing, which is straight up the side of a rock face wtih no rope. Incredible, it was the best way to take my mind off of my troubles. All you can do is think about where your hands and feet are at all times such a fucking rush. It was only a 30 foot climb but the rocks were wet so that made it interesting.

Wow I get a message telling me to update my journal. Been a long time since I've done that and I didn't even notice how quick the time has gone.

Well I spent the first half of the month doing a marathon at work, June 3rd to June 18th 12 to 14 hours a day, NOT FUN!!! And then I had a four day hiatus, which turned into more work than I was already doing. Oh well!

So here it is the 28th of June and I finally decide to go have fun!!!

Baseball!!! The all American sport right, just as a American as apple pie and ice cream. Well only if you're not trying to play in America. Me and the guys went to Brainard Park to play ball, it was kinda drizzling but we didn't care we wanted to play ball and have fun. Ten minutes later the park management came to us and told us we can't play baseball at the public park. We argue for about five minutes and they tell us the actual reason. There is a baseball league that is playing a game tonight and they've just prepped the field and don't want us non-fee paying people to play.

So a public park requires fee's and due's to be paid to play baseball. Wow glad to see even something as simple as playing at a park costs money.

So we go up to East Longmeadow to play...

NO!!!

Chains and locks on all the gates, saying park is closed to people that want to the public.

So back into Connecticut to find another park, we find one in Windsor Locks. It's so trashed from the rain that we're playing mud ball, and to top it off it's a little league park so every hit is almost out of the park.

Just goes to show no $$$ no action...

Think next week we'll try Canada...

Well it's been a week since I last updated this journal. Needless to say that aside for work it was fairly uneventful. Nothing major happened at all. Except work was utterly horrible, many things can go wrong in a restaurant VERY quickly.

I did learn a few new songs this week on the bass...

KMFDM - Save Me
Bush - The People That We Love
Linkin' Park - Somewhere I Belong
NIN - The Hand That Feeds
Puddle of Mudd - Control
3 Days Grace - Home, I Hate Everything About You
Stabbing Westward - I Don't Believe
Trapt - Headstrong
Godsmack - Sick Of Life

Okay maybe Jenny had a point that I should have one of these journals...

Fell asleep around 4:30 this morning (which is normal I work third shift)...  Woke up at 7:30 this morning from another nightmare, it's the same thing over and over again...  murder...  It's not really over and over again, but it is the fifth time...  I wake up covered in sweat, my body burning like a furnace, burnt with pure hatred...  Everything inside me is burning acid flashes of hot orange...

Like I said this is the fifth time I've dreamt this, but this is the second time with subtle reoccuring themes in the dream...  The doors are all damaged, the door knobs have no entry side (the side that you would use to open the door) door knobs, except for two doors, or they come off in my hands...  The one that sticks out in this dream is the door handle on the (I'm guessing here) back door, is one of those really tall fancy door knobs that has the thumb latch instead of a door knob...  Looked a lot like this one here, but it was black wrought iron and when it broke apart in my hand the inside was crumbly white ash instead...

There was a girl in the dream too, and a couple of people including the one that I killed...  Derek, Fred and I have no idea who the girl was I don't remember the face from anything that I can recall...  But I remember feeling instinctively protective of her...  A couple of things in the dream I'm chocking off as just dumping dream stuff, but this wasn't a dumping dream... (Maybe I'll explain those at some time)...  The only weapons I had available were light-sabers (Plastic ones I think but heavy as hell)...  Two X-Box controllers that someone used in the dream to choke people with... (Yeah I wasn't the only one killing here)...  I'm chocking that stuff off as dumping dream junk due to the fact that I've been playing a lot of X-Box, and watching Star Wars movies and reading Star Wars books lately...

(Quick note: I just looked up on the Dictionary and the word "Chocking" does NOT fit descriptively into the above sentences, but in my internal dictionary it means "dismiss or forget about")

So anyways back to the dream...  I dreamt I was at this guy's house Derek helping him unpack and move into his new house which was next door to mine or across the street...  And for whatever reason there was a sudden power outage...  So I went back across the street to check on whoever the girl was...  The front door was ajar and this triggered off alarms in my head that there was danger in the house...  I ran back across the street and frantically asked Derek for my light-saber...  But for some reason he was laughing and ignored me...  I had to yell at him several times to give my light-saber back to me...  Which he finally did (and it was green which is a good guy's color, not sith red)...  He was in what appeared to be a breakfast nook of the kitchen, which for some reason seemed important because I was standing next to the oven which was wide open and on...  I told him it works better if it's closed...  And he proceeded to close it, but left it on, don't know what was cooking in there...  Don't know why that was important but it seems to stick in my memory...

I went back across the street to my house and proceeded cautiously inside...  As I went through the house I noticed that the doors in the house didn't have doorknobs on one side of the door, it was like someone had taken them apart but only half way...  And it was always on the side that you would use to enter the room with, the exit side of the door still had the knob on it...

The entire house was empty and dark, but it was my house and I could find my way around it easily enough...  Much like I had been there for years or something, but I have no recollection of where this house is or was if it was in the past...  111 Dreamville Ave. in Nightmaresville I guess...  I found my way to the bedroom and paused...  This door also still had the doorknob on it, looked a lot like this...  I stopped moving and listened intently, as I was listening the power came back on in the house...  I heard noise on the other side of the house and immediately went to investigate leaving the bedroom door alone and still unopened...

I went to the back of the house and this girl was there, about my age for whatever good that does...  (That's the only detail I know of this mystery girl)...  And she immediately ran to me and told me that someone went out the back door...  So I went out the back door into the darkness and ignited my lightsaber as I closed the door behind me...  Looking around I didn't sense anything out in the immediate vicinity, so I tried to get back inside...  Now this is the second door that still had the entry side door knob, like I described above, and it just falls apart in my hand...

Now my sense of danger went off again...  I had to fight the door to get back in, resulting in the door finally opening outward but with broken hinges...  I ran straight to the bedroom which was the only room that I hadn't investigated, and to get to it required me to go through most of the house anyway...  When I got to the door the knob was missing and I freaked cuz I knew that I had fallen for some kind of trap...  I tried to open the door by putting my hand against the hole that was left from where the knob had been but that failed to produce the result of opening the door...  I eventually gave in to the more uncivilized way of opening a door, brute force and a shoulder...

As the door flew open, I immediately witnessed to my right that the girl I was supposed to keep safe had been choked by the cable of a X-Box controller...  She was lying face up on the foot of the bed with her head closer to me...  I looked to my left and there was Fred laying on his back on the head of the bed, with another cable wrapped loosely around his neck...  He was trying to keep a straight face, like the cat that ate the bird and is trying to pretend it didn't have anything to do with any birds that day...  I immediately flew into a rage and ripped the cord off of his throat adn began choking him...  He kept trying to say it wasn't him, kept repeating it over and over and over again...  I started to loosen my grip on his throat with my left hand, I was still holding the light-saber high overhead ready to strike...  At that point he got this insane crazy look in his eyes and I realized he had been lying that he did do it...  I snapped my left hand closed with my thumb on the center of his neck just below his adam's apple, and crushed his throat killing him...

That's when I woke up...  Covered in sweat and burning up...

Like I said this is the fifth time I've dreamt of killing someone that I can recall recently...  And the images are so vivid and realistic immediately afterward that I actually have to take time and figure out if I did actually commit the crime of murder or not...  I honestly don't know if I can pass a polygraph test stating that I have not committed a murder, it's kinda freaky...

Oh well...  I'm going to eat something and try to go back to sleep, I have to work tonight...

Jenny told me I should make one of these stupid journal things... For whatever reason... I spent the day doing the usual things that people do when they have nothing better to do... Laundry... Yeah that was SO EXCITING wasn't it!!!

Yeah makes me ummm happy...

Worked on a few songs today so that is always good, learned Bush's The People That We Love, it's always the easiest riffs that are the most difficult to figure out...  Silly brain, trix are for kids...

Spent a bit of time in the wee hours of the AM (4 or so) transcribing Yngwie J. Malmsteen's Disciples Of Hell...  Totally insane!!!

Wish I could meet that girl from KMFDM, Lucia, I can't find her new cd anywhere in town...  Stupid conglomerate mega-chain companies deciding what we want and do not want to listen to...

Oh well enough of this for now...